Plays
Wifey Deerest was a Winner in the Lebanon Community Theatre 2002 Play Writing
Contest
Wifey Deerest
An original play by:
L. M. Reynolds
ACT I
Setting: Dining room table at breakfast. Christine is sipping
coffee. Michael is reading the paper and looks at his watch. Michael talks to
Christine while continuing to read the paper.
MICHAEL
I wish Theresa would hurry up with breakfast. I have an important meeting
at 9 with Q.Z. Company. We
're
signing the final papers today. By this time tomorrow, we'll
own another company.
CHRISTINE
Great! That makes a complete dozen.
MICHAEL
No, my dear. A baker
's
dozen. Simpson Company made the dozen.
CHRISTINE
Right. I forgot. Just too many to remember.
MICHAEL
Not so bad for a coal miner
's
son.
CHRISTINE
You have been very successful. Your father would be proud.
MICHAEL
Yes. I suppose he would. Except that his idea of success is a bunch of brats running
around under foot.
CHRISTINE
There
's
nothing wrong with kids.
MICHAEL
You thought that being in the middle of three was bad...you should
've
been at the beginning of seven. Built in yard-man and babysitter. Kids are alright as long as they
belong to someone else and you can send them home.
CHRISTINE
Michael, it would be wonderful to have a baby around the house.
MICHAEL
Right! Until you have to give up your beauty sleep.
CHRISTINE
Are you insinuating that I NEED beauty sleep?
Michael snaps the paper as he is folding it up and then slaps it
onto the table.
MICHAEL
NO, I
'm
not. But if you have a baby around to take care of, you won't
have time to take care of yourself.
CHRISTINE
Right. I forgot that we need to have the
'Well-kept woman look'
for all of your business parties.
MICHAEL
Alright! Enough! No kids! END of conversation!
CHRISTINE
Alright. I won
't
mention it again. Ever!
MICHAEL
Good.
Theresa enters with a plate of food in each hand and places one
in front of each as she speaks.
THERESA
Breakfast, Mam. I
'm
sorry that it's
late.
CHRISTINE
Thank you Theresa, it looks great.
THERESA
Sir. Good morning, Sir.
MICHAEL
Good morning, Theresa. This looks good. Too bad I
'm
not going to have time to eat it all.
THERESA
My apologies, Sir. It won
't
happen again.
MICHAEL
I guess I don
't
need all this cholesterol anyway.
THERESA
Yes, Sir. I
'll
make you a healthier breakfast tomorrow.
MICHAEL
Good.
CHRISTINE
You don
't
sound like yourself today, Theresa
THERESA
I fear I
'm
coming down with the flu, Madam.
CHRISTINE
In that case, I fear you should take the day off. And...if you
're
not any better...tomorrow too.
THERESA
Madam? Sir? What about dinner?
CHRISTINE
We
'll
manage.
Theresa turns slightly and points to the phone on the small
table along the wall.
THERESA
I
'll
call the butcher for you.
CHRISTINE
I
'll
take care of it. All of it.
MICHAEL
Are you sure, Christine?
CHRISTINE
Yes, I
'm
sure. Now, Theresa, you run along. I'll
take care of these dishes too.
THERESA
Madam, for sure?
CHRISTINE
YES. Now get out of here before I change my mind. Go. Go on now.
THERESA
Yes, Madam. Sir? Is it alright?
MICHAEL
Why don
't
you just call the service and have them send someone over?
THERESA
Yes, Sir.
CHRISTINE
No! I really want to do this.
MICHAEL
Alright then. I suppose we can survive one day on Christine
's
cooking. Theresa, go ahead.
THERESA
Thank you, Sir. Madam.
Theresa exits stage.
MICHAEL
So. Dare I ask? What will you be making for dinner?
CHRISTINE
Not sure yet. I
'll
get something special from the butcher. It will be fun. Like old times.
MICHAEL
You? Cooking like old times? Now that
's
a scary thought!
CHRISTINE
Oh hush! Get out of here and get to your BIG meeting. Dinner will be ready at 7.
Don
't
be late.
MICHAEL
Just in case, I
'd
better finish this breakfast.
Michael jams food into his mouth and eats fast.
CHRISTINE
I
've
been watching those TV cooking shows. I'll
make us something exotic.
MICHAEL
Exotic? It will probably be more like STRANGE.
Christine throws her napkin at Michael then gets up and struts
over to him and sits with one hip on the table in front of him and strokes his
face with the backs of her fingers.
CHRISTINE
You know. With Theresa gone, I might just serve dessert before dinner tonight.
MICHAEL
Oh yeah. We
'll
see. You know these buy outs really work on my nerves.
CHRISTINE
Well then. Maybe we can re-energize your nerves. Go on now. Get out of
here and let me start cooking.
MICHAEL
I
'm
going. Don't
get yourself in an uproar.
Wiping his mouth, Michael stands up and kisses Christine on the
cheek. He grabs his briefcase off the stand and starts to leave.
MICHAEL
See you tonight.
CHRISTINE
Seven and don
't
be late.
MICHAEL
Right. Seven.
CHRISTINE
Hey! Don
't
forget. Dessert first!
MICHAEL
Yeah. First.
Michael exits and the stage goes black.
ACT II
Setting: Same dining room at dinner time - lit candles and
flowers on table.
Christine is dressed in a somewhat revealing lounging set and
puts a covered serving dish and a basket of rolls in the middle of the table.
Michael enters dining room.
MICHAEL
Smells good. I may have under-estimated you.
CHRISTINE
Yes. Maybe you have.
MICHAEL
What are we having?
CHRISTINE
Dessert first. Remember?
MICHAEL
Sorry. I
'm
too edgy. We"ll
have to skip dessert and just have dinner.
CHRISTINE
But the exercise would do you good.
MICHAEL
It would just be another disappointment for you I
/m
afraid. Now...are you going to tell me what's
in that dish?
CHRISTINE
Vealson extrordinaire.
MICHAEL
Vealson?
Christine pulls the lid from the dish.
CHRISTINE
The butcher had this new and exotic meat called vealson. He said it was
just like beef but not as much fat. You know, healthier.
MICHAEL
Looks a lot like beef stew to me.
Christine becomes defensive.
CHRISTINE
Sit down and eat!
MICHAEL
Don
't
get me wrong. There's
nothing wrong with beef stew. I mean, I practically grew up on the stuff.
CHRISTINE
Good! It will be just like old times then!
MICHAEL
Yeah. I just hope it doesn
't
taste like old times. If my memory serves me right, most of your cooking ended up in the landfill.
CHRISTINE
If you don
't
shut up and eat - you might end up in the landfill!
MICHAEL
Alright. Alright! I shouldn
't
have judged you without trying it first. They dish up the food and start to eat.
CHRISTINE
Coffee?
MICHAEL
No. Make it champagne.
CHRISTINE
Champagne?
MICHAEL
Yes. We have a baker
's
dozen to celebrate. Remember?
CHRISTINE
Right! Champagne it is.
Christine goes and gets champagne and glasses.
Michael continues to eat.
MICHAEL
Not bad. Not quite like Mom
's.
But, not bad.
CHRISTINE
Thanks. I guess I should feel honored.
She pours the glasses full. Michael holds his glass up in a
toast; Christine does same.
MICHAEL
To a baker
's
dozen.
CHRISTINE
Baker
's
dozen.
Michael starts to choke as he drinks - he grabs his throat with
his hand.
MICHAEL
My throat is swelling.
CHRISTINE
Swelling?
MICHAEL
Yes! Swelling! For God
's
sake call the doctor!
CHRISTINE
Doctor?
MICHAEL
Yes, the doctor! His number
's
in the book beside the phone.
CHRISTINE
I know where it is.
Christine walks to the phone and slowly pages through the phone
number book.
MICHAEL
Hurry up! It
's
getting worse!
Michael gasps for air.
MICHAEL
What
's
in this stew?
CHRISTINE
Just vealson and vegetables.
MICHAEL
Vealson? What the hell is vealson?
Christine pulls the meat wrapper out of the trash can and holds
it up for Michael to read.
CHRISTINE
Vealson. See.
MICHAEL
That doesn
't
say Vealson. It says venison! I'm
allergic to venison! Call the doctor! NOW!
CHRISTINE
Oops. Sorry.
Christine smiles at Michael and goes toward the phone.
Michael gets up out of his chair, both hands wrapped around his
throat, gasping for air.
MICHAEL
CALL! NOW!
Christine slowly dials the phone. Michael falls to his knees,
gasping and choking for air.
CHRISTINE
This is Christine Baker. I have an emergency! I need to talk to Dr.
Richards! Hurry, it
's
my husband!
A pause in her conversation and Michael slumps to the floor.
CHRISTINE
You were right. It worked.
A pause in her conversation.
CHRISTINE
Yes. I will. I
